Unretouched Bare Bollocks on Page 3

Well, looks like boobs are here to stay on Page 3. The question is, why aren’t men being given an equal crack of the whip? Seems unfair that the blokes are not being afforded the same rights as women to celebrate their sexuality by publicly displaying their sex organs in a daily national newspaper.

Men: level out that playing field. Demand the right to pose for Page 3. Drop your pants so that we can discuss your dimensions over our skinny lattes. Petition the papers to publish images of the pièce de résistance, your mighty striker. Face this challenge head-on, and proudly share with the nation the beauty of your illustrious tackle.

Come on, why not you? Don’t be shy! It’s just harmless fun. Something to cheer up our day.

You seem a little surprised and oddly, somewhat reluctant. Don’t you realise that you too can be the object of the nation’s fantasies for a day? Sure there may be a few more trips to the gym. May have to beef up on the protein and explore hair implants and penis augmentation surgery. The onus is now on you to always Look Good Naked.

Or you could choose to be smart, and not allow the youthful and well-equipped among you to hog the limelight. Don’t allow yourselves to be starved, painted, operated on, retouched and distorted far away from any real sense of manliness. Don’t be augmented. Stay unretouched. Your masculinity is beautiful just the way it is.

Distorting and retouching pictures of bodies – which are inherently beautiful – is at best absurd. The objectification of augmented beauty is even crazier. Dare to keep it real.

After you’ve conquered Page 3 why not make a cameo in a music video? Parachute in to save poor old Robin Thicke in ‘Blurred Lines’.

In the video there is a proclamation, spelt out across the wall in huge silver balloons, that ‘Robin Thicke has a big dick’. But poor Robin is forced to appear fully clothed in the midst of a group of naked ladies.

The song and indeed the video seem to largely be about Thicke’s (apparently very impressive) gender-loin. But sadly for him, his much praised member remains subdued under a catalogue of wardrobe changes.

In the absence of nakedness Thicke is forced to dad-dance whilst grabbing at sunglasses, ice-creams, livestock… anything just to try and get his point across. Oh yeah, and that balloon montage. Poor fellow.

Get that video reshot with the women fully clothed and the men starkers and for heaven’s sake, give us a giggle. The only thing funnier than watching a man dad-dancing is watching a naked man dad-dancing. And trying to look sexy.

Lets unleash a preoccupation with your looks. If we can objectify you, perhaps we can shift the attention off the female form just long enough to breathe, and to think about how to start celebrating our unadulterated, raw beauty more honestly in the media.

But you know what? You’re never going to have to see your own bare bollocks, or anyone else’s, staring down from the newspaper shelves of every corner shop in the land. You know it just could never happen. So lets call for a moratorium on publishing our naked bits in daily papers. If it’s unthinkable for you, it should be unthinkable for us.

Hooray Auckland Law Revue: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tC1XtnLRLPM

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